The Hidden Cost of Anxiety in Childhood: How Understanding the Nervous System Changes Everything

Introduction: Misunderstood from the Start

He’s defiant. She’s lazy. They’re not trying hard enough.

You’ve probably heard these labels—or maybe used them yourself—in moments of frustration. But what if behind that blank stare, that slammed door, or that refusal to engage lies something else entirely?

Not rudeness. Not defiance. Not even a bad attitude.

Fear.

Silent, stuck, and hidden in plain sight.

This blog will unpack what anxiety really looks like in children—and why we keep missing it. It will give you the science, the real-life insight, and the tools to see things differently. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, therapist or simply someone who cares, this is for you.

The Nervous System Isn’t Naughty – It’s Protective

Every child has a nervous system that’s constantly scanning for safety.

Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps us understand that there isn’t just ‘fight or flight’. The body has three core states:

• Ventral Vagal (Safe & Social): Calm, curious, open to connection.

• Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): Hyper-alert, defensive, argumentative, anxious.

• Dorsal Vagal (Freeze/Shutdown): Withdrawn, shut down, silent, disconnected.

Children aren’t misbehaving when they’re overwhelmed. Their body has simply decided it’s not safe—and has flipped into one of these survival states.

And the kicker? They don’t even know it’s happening.

Why Anxiety Looks Like Something Else

Anxiety in children doesn’t always look like panic or tears. It often shows up as:

• Not listening

• Avoidance

• Silly behaviour

• Perfectionism

• ‘Laziness’ or lack of effort

• Explosive anger

These are protective behaviours. They’re not designed to frustrate adults—they’re designed to help the child survive an internal sense of threat.

Let’s take an example: a child who’s been told to ‘try harder’ in class. If their nervous system is in a state of shutdown, they won’t respond to praise or threats. Their body has gone into conservation mode. They’re not choosing to be disengaged. They’re simply overwhelmed.

Behaviour is Communication, Not a Problem to Fix

Too often, adult responses to anxiety make things worse:

• Reward charts that punish shutdown

• ‘Calm down’ commands that escalate panic

• Consequences that ignore the cause

When we treat behaviour as a choice instead of a signal, we miss the opportunity to help the child regulate.

What helps instead?

• Noticing the nervous system state

• Validating the child’s inner experience

• Offering co-regulation instead of correction

This is the heart of what we teach in the STILL Method—how to spot what’s really going on, and respond with calm clarity.

Understanding Shutdown – The Quietest Cry for Help

Shutdown (or dorsal vagal response) is one of the most misunderstood anxiety states. It can look like:

• Zoning out

• Not answering questions

• Lying on the floor and not moving

• Seeming unbothered

But inside, the child may be deeply distressed.

Shutdown is the body’s last line of defence when fight or flight isn’t possible. It’s common in children with trauma histories, neurodivergence, or social anxiety. And it can be easy to misread as laziness or rudeness.

Tools That Work – Supporting the Nervous System to Feel Safe Again

This is where the STILL Method comes in. It teaches simple, repeatable tools based on the nervous system’s actual needs—not just behaviour charts.

Some core examples include:

• STOP: Create a moment of pause. Not a punishment—just a breath.

• TALK: Let the child share (if they can). Or simply sit beside them in quiet.

• IMAGINE: Use creative metaphors to access feelings indirectly (like ‘Cuddling the Puppy’).

• LISTEN: Pay attention to what isn’t said. Body cues, tone, energy.

• LEARN: Reflect on what worked and what needs more support next time.

These tools don’t rely on a child’s verbal skills. They meet the nervous system where it is.

A Real-Life Shift

Take Noah. Eight years old. Constantly in trouble at school, labelled disruptive, always fidgeting.

Through STILL work, we helped staff and parents see that Noah wasn’t attention-seeking—he was connection-seeking. Once they learned to spot his early signs of shutdown, they could step in with calm co-regulation, not commands.

Now he’s not just behaving better. He’s feeling safer. And that’s the point.

When to Get More Help

Sometimes, anxiety becomes too much to manage alone. Warning signs to seek professional support include:

• Panic attacks

• Chronic sleep issues

• Food refusal

• School avoidance

• Withdrawal from friends/family

You can speak to your GP, mental health support team, or consider working with a STILL-trained anxiety coach.

For Parents and Professionals – What Now?

The next time you see a child acting out or shutting down, ask yourself:

“Is this defiance—or is it fear?”

When we reframe behaviour as communication, we unlock the chance to support regulation, not just compliance.

If this resonates, explore our training programmes for parents, schools, and coaches. We’re building a network of adults who respond with insight, not instinct.

Because anxiety doesn’t start with behaviour.

It starts with fear.

And it heals through safety.

Author: Stuart Thompson
Therapist, trainer, and founder of The STILL Method. Stuart has worked with thousands of families, schools, and professionals to help children feel safe, regulated, and understood