How Children Grieve Differently by Age: A Complete Developmental Guide
Understanding childhood bereavement through the lens of child development
When a child experiences loss, their response is shaped not just by what has happened, but by where they are in their development. A four year old's understanding of death is fundamentally different from a fourteen year old's. Their questions are different. The way grief shows up in their body and behaviour is different. And what they need from the adults around them is different too.
This matters because well meaning adults often expect children to grieve the way adults do. They look for tears, for sadness, for visible signs of distress. When children instead become angry, or withdrawn, or seemingly unaffected, adults worry something is wrong. They wonder if the child understands. They question whether the child cared.
The truth is simpler and more complex. Children grieve deeply. They just do it differently.
This guide explains how grief presents across childhood development, what children understand at each stage, and how you can support them with confidence and clarity.
Why developmental stage matters in childhood grief
Grief is not just an emotional response. It is cognitive, physical, social and existential. A child's capacity to process loss is limited by their developmental stage in each of these areas.
A five year old does not yet have the cognitive architecture to understand permanence. A nine year old does not have the emotional regulation skills of an adult. A thirteen year old is navigating identity formation alongside bereavement.
Understanding these developmental realities helps us do three things:
Recognise grief when it does not look like sadness
Respond in ways that match the child's actual needs
Avoid pathologising normal developmental grief responses
Let's explore what grief looks like at each stage.
Ages 0-2: Infancy and early toddlerhood
What they understand about death
Infants and very young toddlers have no concept of death as permanent or final. What they do understand is absence. When a primary caregiver dies or leaves, the infant experiences this as a profound disruption to their sense of safety and predictability.
How grief shows up
Disrupted sleep and feeding patterns
Increased crying and irritability
Withdrawal from interaction
Regression in developmental milestones (if they were starting to crawl or talk, they may pause or go backwards)
Physical symptoms including stomach aches, changes in appetite, clinginess
Grief at this age is somatic and relational. The child is not thinking about loss. They are feeling the absence of the person who kept them safe.
What they need
Consistency in routine
A stable attachment figure who provides warmth and predictability
Physical comfort - holding, rocking, soothing presence
Patience with regression - this is not a behaviour problem, it is a grief response
Young children need co-regulation. They cannot calm themselves. The adult's nervous system becomes the child's anchor.
Learn more about somatic grief responses in young children
Ages 3-5: Preschool years
What they understand about death
Children in this age range are beginning to understand that death means someone is not coming back, but they do not yet grasp that it is permanent or universal. Death feels temporary. They may ask when the person will return, or expect them to come back after a while.
This age group also engages in magical thinking. They may believe their thoughts or actions caused the death. If they were angry at someone who then died, they may feel responsible.
How grief shows up
Repetitive questions - "Where is Daddy?" "When is Grandma coming home?" asked over and over
Play that reenacts the loss - setting up funerals for toys, playing "death" games
Regression - bedwetting, thumb sucking, baby talk, refusing to sleep alone
Sudden outbursts of anger or distress that seem to come from nowhere
Confusion between sleep and death - fear that if they sleep, they will die too
Increased separation anxiety - clinging to caregivers, refusing nursery or preschool
What they need
Simple, honest language - "Grandma died. That means her body stopped working and she can't come back."
Reassurance that they did not cause the death
Repetition - they will ask the same questions many times as they try to make sense of something beyond their understanding
Permission to play - play is how young children process difficult experiences
Extra comfort and patience during bedtime and transitions
Avoid:
Euphemisms like "gone to sleep" or "lost" - these create confusion and fear
Expecting them to remember what they have been told - their brains are still forming long term memory pathways
Punishing regressive behaviour - this is a sign of distress, not defiance
Read: How to talk to preschool children about death
Ages 6-9: Early primary school
What they understand about death
By this stage, most children understand that death is permanent, universal, and inevitable. This is a significant cognitive leap. They know the person is not coming back. They begin to grasp that everyone dies, including themselves.
This realisation can create new fears. They may become anxious about their own safety or the safety of other loved ones.
How grief shows up
Behavioural changes at school - inability to concentrate, falling grades, withdrawal from friends
Physical complaints - headaches, stomach aches, feeling sick, particularly on school mornings
Anger and defiance - grief in this age group often looks like rage
Fear of abandonment - checking that parents are still alive, refusing to be separated
Guilt and self blame - "If I had been better, they wouldn't have died"
Interest in the details of death - asking specific questions about how the person died, what happens to the body
Children at this age are often concrete thinkers. They want facts. They want to know exactly what happened.
What they need
Honest answers to their questions - they can handle more detail than adults often think
Reassurance about their own safety and the safety of surviving loved ones
Help naming and managing big feelings - "It sounds like you're feeling really angry. That makes sense. Grief can feel like anger sometimes."
Routine and structure - predictability provides safety when their world feels uncertain
Opportunities to remember the person - looking at photos, sharing stories, creating memory boxes
Common mistake adults make:
Assuming that because a child is not crying, they are not grieving. Children in this age group often avoid showing sadness because they are trying to protect the adults around them or because they do not yet have the emotional vocabulary to name what they feel.
Discover: Why angry children are often grieving children
Ages 10-12: Late primary/early secondary
What they understand about death
Children at this stage have a mature understanding of death. They know it is permanent, irreversible, and will one day happen to them. They are beginning to think abstractly and can contemplate existential questions.
This is also a stage where peer relationships become central. How grief affects their social world matters deeply.
How grief shows up
Social withdrawal - pulling away from friends, refusing to engage in activities they used to enjoy
Perfectionism or academic struggles - either trying to control everything or giving up entirely
Intense emotions that fluctuate rapidly - crying one moment, laughing the next
Risk taking behaviour - pushing boundaries, testing limits
Overwhelming questions about meaning, fairness, and why bad things happen
Comparison with peers - feeling different, isolated, like no one understands
This age group is acutely aware that their experience is not shared by most of their peers. They may feel alienated or misunderstood.
What they need
Space to talk when they are ready - do not force conversations, but be reliably available
Acknowledgment of their emotional maturity while still providing structure and support
Opportunities to connect with other bereaved young people - peer support can be transformative
Help navigating school and social situations - adults can advocate for them when they cannot advocate for themselves
Permission to still be a child - grief can make children grow up too fast. They still need play, fun, and lightness.
Learn how to support bereaved students in school settings
Ages 13-18: Adolescence
What they understand about death
Adolescents have a fully developed understanding of death. They can think abstractly, consider philosophical questions, and understand long term consequences. They are also in the midst of identity formation, which grief profoundly disrupts.
How grief shows up
Identity crisis - "Who am I now that this has happened?"
Intense existential questioning - about meaning, purpose, faith, and the future
Risk taking - substance use, reckless behaviour, self harm
Withdrawal from family - pushing adults away while desperately needing support
Academic decline or hyper achievement - either shutting down or over functioning
Relationship intensity - seeking closeness or avoiding intimacy entirely
Anger at the person who died, at surviving family members, at the world
Adolescent grief is complicated by the developmental task of separating from parents while simultaneously needing parental support. This creates internal conflict.
What they need
Respect for their need for independence alongside consistent adult presence
Non judgmental space to explore big questions - they do not need answers, they need to be heard
Connection to other bereaved teens - peer groups are often more effective than adult intervention
Monitoring without controlling - adults need to stay aware of risk without micromanaging
Acknowledgment that grief is lifelong - adolescents benefit from knowing that healing does not mean forgetting
Critical warning signs that require professional support:
Persistent talk of suicide or self harm
Severe withdrawal lasting more than a few weeks
Significant changes in eating or sleeping that do not improve
Substance misuse
Dissociation or detachment from reality
Read: When to refer - recognising complex grief in young people
Special considerations across all ages
Neurodivergent children
Children with autism, ADHD, or other neurodevelopmental differences may process grief in ways that do not fit typical developmental patterns. They may:
Struggle with abstract concepts like permanence
Experience sensory overload during emotionally charged moments
Need more concrete explanations and visual supports
Show distress through stimming, meltdowns, or shutdown
Require predictability and routine even more than neurotypical children
Explore: Supporting children with SEND through bereavement
Traumatic or sudden loss
When death is sudden, violent, or traumatic (suicide, murder, accident), grief is compounded by trauma. Children may experience:
Intrusive thoughts and images
Hypervigilance and fear responses
Avoidance of reminders
Difficulty feeling safe
These children need trauma informed grief support, which addresses both the loss and the traumatic nature of how it occurred.
Multiple losses
Children in care, children experiencing family instability, or children living in communities affected by violence may experience cumulative grief. Each loss compounds the last. These children need sustained, relationship based support.
What all grieving children need, regardless of age
1. Adults who can hold their pain without trying to fix it
Children need to know their grief is not a problem to be solved. They need adults who can sit with their sadness, their anger, their confusion, without rushing to make it better.
2. Permission to grieve in their own way
Some children cry. Some get angry. Some seem unaffected. Some grieve in waves. All of these are normal.
3. Routine and predictability
When a child's world has been upended by loss, routine provides safety. Consistent mealtimes, bedtimes, and expectations help children feel grounded.
4. Honest, age appropriate information
Children know when adults are hiding the truth. They fill in the gaps with their imagination, which is almost always worse than reality.
5. Opportunities to remember
Memory keeps connection alive. Photos, stories, rituals, and objects help children maintain a relationship with the person who died.
Common mistakes adults make across all ages
Expecting grief to look like sadness
Grief in childhood often looks like anger, withdrawal, defiance, or physical symptoms. Adults who only recognise tears miss most of what grieving children are experiencing.
Protecting children from emotion
When adults hide their own grief, children learn that sadness is dangerous or shameful. Healthy modelling of grief (crying, talking, remembering) teaches children that grief is a natural response to loss.
Assuming children "bounce back"
Children do not get over grief. They grow around it. The loss becomes part of who they are. Adults who expect children to move on quickly miss the long term nature of childhood bereavement.
Using euphemisms
"Passed away," "lost," "gone to sleep" - these phrases confuse children and create fear. Clear, simple language is kinder.
How to know if a child needs professional support
Most grieving children do not need therapy. They need informed, compassionate adults who understand developmental grief. However, some children do need specialist help.
Seek professional support if:
The child shows no emotion at all for an extended period (flat affect)
Behaviour becomes dangerous to self or others
The child is unable to engage in daily life (school, friendships, family) for more than a few weeks
There are signs of dissociation, psychosis, or severe anxiety
The child expresses persistent suicidal thoughts
Grief is compounded by trauma or multiple losses
Learn more: When to refer on for complex grief in children
Supporting grieving children: Practical next steps
If you work with children - as a teacher, care worker, youth leader, or wellbeing professional - understanding developmental grief is essential. Grief is not rare. It is a common childhood experience that shapes how children see themselves and the world.
What you can do now:
Educate yourself on how grief presents at different ages
Create a grief informed environment in your school or setting
Build relationships that allow children to feel safe sharing their pain
Advocate for training in childhood bereavement in your workplace
Connect with other professionals working in this field
Our Child Grief Coach Training is designed for professionals who want to support bereaved children with confidence and depth. The training includes:
A complete six week programme for children and young people
Practical tools for different developmental stages
Scripts for difficult conversations
An understanding of how to work with schools, families, and care settings
Ongoing professional support
Find out more about becoming a Child Grief Coach
Additional resources
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Final thoughts
Children grieve. They grieve deeply, intensely, and in ways that change as they grow. The four year old who asks when Mummy is coming back will, at fourteen, carry the knowledge that she never will. The grief does not end. It evolves.
Our role as adults is not to fix their pain. It is to walk alongside them, to hold steady when their world feels unstable, and to help them make sense of something that does not make sense.
Grief changes children. But with the right support, it does not have to break them.
If you support bereaved children and want to deepen your knowledge and skill, our Child Grief Coach Trainingprovides the tools, confidence, and framework you need. Learn more or book your place here.
