Somatic Tools for Helping Children Process Grief
Why body-based approaches work when words don't
"Can you tell me how you're feeling?"
The grieving child stares at the floor. Shrugs. Says "fine" or "I don't know."
The adult tries again. "Are you sad about what happened?"
Another shrug. Silence. Or sometimes: "Can I go now?"
This is one of the most common struggles when supporting bereaved children. We want them to talk. We're trained to use conversation. But grief in childhood often lives in the body, not in language.
And for many children, especially younger ones or those who are neurodivergent, talking about feelings is not just difficult. It's impossible.
This is where somatic tools become essential.
Somatic means "of the body." Somatic approaches to grief work with the physical sensations, movements, and nervous system responses that carry emotional experience. They help children process loss through their bodies rather than through words alone.
This article explains why somatic tools are so effective for grieving children, what's happening in the body during grief, and practical techniques you can use immediately in schools, care settings, homes, and therapeutic work.
Why children need body-based grief support
The neuroscience: Grief lives in the body
When a child experiences loss, their nervous system registers it as a threat to survival. The body responds before the thinking brain can make sense of what has happened.
What happens physiologically:
Heart rate increases (the body prepares to fight or flee)
Breathing becomes shallow (oxygen is redirected to large muscle groups)
Muscles tense (the body braces for danger)
Digestion slows or stops (non-essential functions shut down)
The nervous system floods with stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline)
This is the autonomic nervous system in action. It operates below conscious awareness. A child cannot think their way out of this state. They have to discharge the activation through the body.
When grief is not processed somatically, it becomes stored in the body. This shows up as:
Chronic stomach aches or headaches with no medical cause
Muscle tension, particularly in shoulders, jaw, and chest
Disrupted sleep patterns
Changes in appetite
Hypervigilance (constantly scanning for danger)
Shutdown responses (numbness, dissociation, feeling "frozen")
Learn more: The neuroscience of childhood grief
Developmental factors: Young children cannot verbalize grief
Ages 0-5:
Young children do not have the language to describe internal states. They feel sensations in their bodies but cannot name them. When we ask "How do you feel?" they genuinely do not know how to answer.
Ages 6-9:
Children at this stage are developing emotional vocabulary but still process primarily through their bodies. They might say their "tummy hurts" when what they mean is "I feel scared."
Ages 10-12:
Even older children often struggle to articulate complex grief. The felt sense in their body is clearer than any words they could use to describe it.
Teenagers:
Adolescents may have the vocabulary but resist using it. Talking feels vulnerable. Body-based tools give them a way to process without having to speak.
Read: How children grieve differently at each developmental stage
Cultural and gender factors
Many children are taught, implicitly or explicitly, that expressing emotion is weakness. Boys are told to "man up." Girls are told to be "good" and not make a fuss.
Body-based tools bypass these cultural messages. A child who would never cry in front of an adult might release grief through movement, breath, or physical activity.
Neurodivergent children
Children with autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, or language delays often find verbal processing overwhelming or inaccessible.
Somatic tools meet them where they are. They work with the body's wisdom rather than requiring cognitive or linguistic skills the child may not have.
Explore: Supporting children with SEND through bereavement
What somatic grief work looks like
Somatic grief support is not about forcing children to express emotion. It is about creating safety in the nervous system so that emotion can move naturally.
Key principles:
Follow the child's pace - never push or force
Work with sensation, not story - "Where do you feel that in your body?" not "Tell me what happened"
Use movement to discharge activation - grief held in the body needs a way out
Regulate before processing - a dysregulated child cannot access emotion safely
Co-regulate through your own calm presence - your nervous system helps theirs
Somatic work is gentle. Subtle. It does not look dramatic. But its effects are profound.
Practical somatic tools for supporting grieving children
1. Grounding techniques
Grounding brings a child's awareness into the present moment and into their body. It interrupts the cycle of overwhelm and helps the nervous system settle.
5-4-3-2-1 Sensory Grounding
Guide the child to notice:
5 things they can see
4 things they can touch
3 things they can hear
2 things they can smell
1 thing they can taste
This works because it engages the thinking brain, which helps calm the emotional brain.
Feet on the floor
Ask the child to press their feet firmly into the ground. Notice the feeling of the floor beneath them. Wiggle their toes. Feel the weight of their body.
This simple practice activates the parasympathetic nervous system (the body's calming response).
Hand on heart, hand on belly
Guide the child to place one hand on their heart and one on their belly. Feel the rise and fall of breath. Notice the heartbeat.
This practice signals safety to the nervous system.
2. Breathwork for children
Breath is the bridge between the conscious and unconscious nervous system. Changing the breath changes the emotional state.
Bubble breathing (ages 3-7)
Ask the child to imagine they are blowing bubbles. Take a slow breath in through the nose, then blow out gently and slowly as if blowing a giant bubble.
Repeat 5-10 times.
Square breathing (ages 8+)
Breathe in for 4 counts.
Hold for 4 counts.
Breathe out for 4 counts.
Hold for 4 counts.
Trace the shape of a square with a finger while doing this to add a visual and tactile element.
Counting breaths (all ages)
Simply count breaths. In-breath is 1. Out-breath is 2. Count to 10 and start again.
This focuses attention and naturally slows breathing.
Important: Never force breath work. If a child resists, drop it and try something else. For some children, focusing on breath increases anxiety.
3. Movement-based tools
Movement allows the body to discharge pent-up energy and emotion. Grief that cannot be spoken can often be moved.
Shaking it out
Invite the child to shake their hands, arms, legs, and whole body. Like a dog shaking off water. This is how animals discharge stress in the wild.
Do it with them. Make it playful. Shake for 30-60 seconds.
Stamping
Stomp feet on the ground. Hard. Fast. Slow. Heavy.
This grounds the body and releases anger or frustration held in the legs.
Pushing against a wall
Have the child stand facing a wall, place their hands flat against it, and push as hard as they can for 10-15 seconds.
This activates the muscles and provides a safe outlet for intense energy.
Tearing paper
Give the child old newspapers or scrap paper and let them tear it into tiny pieces. Fast. Slow. Whatever feels right.
The physical act of tearing provides release without harm.
Throwing soft objects
Set up a target (a pillow, a soft toy, a basket) and let the child throw soft balls or bean bags at it.
This channels explosive energy into something contained and safe.
Bilateral movement (cross-lateral walking)
Walking while alternating arm swings across the body (left arm swings forward with right leg, right arm with left leg) helps integrate the left and right hemispheres of the brain. This promotes emotional regulation.
4. Body scanning and sensation tracking
This practice helps children develop interoception - the ability to notice what is happening inside their bodies.
Simple body scan for children
Ask the child to close their eyes or look down at the floor. Guide them through noticing each part of their body:
"Notice your toes. Are they warm or cold? Tight or relaxed?"
"Notice your belly. Is it soft or tight? Moving or still?"
"Notice your shoulders. Are they up by your ears or down and relaxed?"
Do not ask them to change anything. Just notice.
Tracking sensations
When a child mentions an emotion or feeling, ask:
"Where do you feel that in your body?"
"What does it feel like? Heavy? Tight? Hot? Cold?"
"Does it have a colour or a shape?"
This helps children develop emotional literacy through body awareness.
Container visualization
Guide the child to imagine placing difficult feelings into a container (a box, a jar, a balloon). They can choose the size and colour of the container. The container holds the feelings safely until the child is ready to open it again.
This is particularly helpful when a child is overwhelmed but needs to function (e.g., during a school day).
5. Co-regulation through presence
The most powerful somatic tool is your own regulated nervous system.
Children co-regulate through the adults around them. When you are calm, their nervous system begins to mirror yours.
How to co-regulate:
Slow your own breathing
Soften your facial expression
Lower your voice
Move slowly and deliberately
Maintain an open, non-threatening body posture
Stay present and still (do not rush or fidget)
You do not need to say anything. Your presence is the intervention.
This is why traditional "behaviour management" often fails with grieving children. Consequences escalate dysregulation. Calm presence settles it.
Learn more: Why angry children are often grieving children
6. Creative and sensory activities
Somatic work does not always look like "therapy." It can be woven into everyday activities.
Play dough or clay
Squeezing, rolling, pounding, and shaping dough engages the hands and provides sensory feedback. Many children process grief through their hands.
Sand or water play
The tactile experience of sand or water is naturally regulating. Children can pour, scoop, build, and destroy without words.
Drawing or scribbling
Not art therapy in a formal sense, but simply moving a crayon or pencil across paper. Fast, slow, heavy, light. Following the body's impulse.
Music and rhythm
Drumming, clapping, or tapping rhythms helps regulate the nervous system. Repetitive beats are soothing.
Weighted blankets or soft toys
Deep pressure is calming. A weighted blanket, a heavy cushion, or holding a soft toy provides proprioceptive input that soothes the nervous system.
7. Nature-based somatic tools
Being in nature is inherently regulating. Natural environments support the nervous system in ways indoor spaces cannot.
Barefoot walking
Walking on grass, sand, or soil provides grounding through direct contact with the earth.
Sitting under a tree
Simply sitting with their back against a tree. Feeling the solid support. Watching the leaves move.
Collecting natural objects
Stones, leaves, sticks, shells. The act of searching, noticing, and collecting is meditative.
Watching water
Sitting by a stream, pond, or even watching rain. The movement of water is naturally calming.
Using somatic tools in different settings
In schools
Create a "calm corner" with sensory tools (stress balls, soft cushions, fidget toys)
Allow movement breaks throughout the day
Use whole-class breathing exercises before transitions
Train staff to recognize dysregulation and respond with co-regulation
Avoid punishing children for needing to move or fidget
Read: Creating grief-informed classroom environments
In residential care
Build somatic tools into daily routines (morning stretches, bedtime breathing)
Offer physical activities that discharge energy (sports, dance, outdoor play)
Use co-regulation during high-stress moments (mealtimes, transitions, bedtime)
Provide sensory spaces where children can self-regulate
Recognize that "difficult" behaviour is often a dysregulated nervous system
Learn more: Supporting grieving children in care settings
At home
Model somatic practices yourself (children learn by watching)
Incorporate movement into family routines
Create a "feelings toolbox" with items the child finds soothing
Allow messy play, rough play, and outdoor time
Do not force talking; offer body-based alternatives
In therapeutic or coaching settings
Begin every session with a grounding practice
Track the child's nervous system state throughout the session
Use co-regulation as your primary tool
Teach children (and their carers) somatic practices they can use independently
Recognize when talking is too much and drop into body work
Discover: Our Child Grief Coach Training
Case study: Somatic grief work in practice
Lily, age 7
Lily's mum died in a car accident. In the months that followed, Lily developed chronic stomach aches. Medical tests found nothing wrong. She was referred to a grief support worker.
In their first session, the worker asked Lily to draw how her tummy felt. Lily drew a tight knot.
The worker asked: "If your tummy could move, what would it do?"
Lily said: "It would explode."
The worker gave Lily a pile of newspaper and said: "Show me."
Lily tore the newspaper into tiny pieces. Fast. Furious. For five minutes straight.
When she stopped, she looked up and said: "My tummy feels a bit better."
Over the following weeks, Lily learned to:
Notice when her tummy felt tight
Use breath to soften it
Tear paper or squeeze play dough when the feeling was big
Ask for movement breaks when she felt overwhelmed
The stomach aches did not disappear overnight. But they became manageable. And Lily developed a relationship with her body that helped her navigate grief.
When to use somatic tools vs when to talk
Use somatic tools when:
The child is dysregulated (crying, angry, shut down)
The child says "I don't know" to questions about feelings
The child is very young or has language delays
Talking increases distress rather than relieving it
The child prefers action to words
Use talking when:
The child initiates conversation about their grief
The child is calm and regulated
The child has the vocabulary and wants to use it
Talking brings relief rather than overwhelm
Best practice: Combine both. Use somatic tools to regulate, then offer the option to talk if the child wants to.
Common mistakes adults make
Forcing expression
"You need to cry." "Let it out." "Tell me how you feel."
These well-meaning prompts can backfire. Grief cannot be forced. The body will release when it is safe to do so.
Better approach: "I'm here if you want to talk. And if you don't want to talk, that's okay too."
Rushing the process
Grief has its own timeline. Adults often want children to "feel better" quickly. But somatic processing takes time.
Better approach: Trust the child's pace. Small shifts are progress.
Pathologizing normal responses
Not every grieving child needs therapy. Many need informed adults who understand somatic responses and can create safety.
When to refer: Persistent dissociation, self-harm, or behaviors that endanger the child or others.
Learn: When to refer for complex grief in children
Focusing only on words
"Use your words." This is impossible for many grieving children.
Better approach: "Show me with your body" or "Draw it" or "Let's move together."
How professionals can learn somatic grief support
If you work with bereaved children, understanding somatic approaches is essential. Grief is not just emotional. It is physiological. And children need adults who can work with the body, not just the mind.
Our Child Grief Coach Training includes comprehensive teaching on somatic tools for children. You will learn:
How to recognize nervous system states in children
Practical body-based techniques you can use immediately
How to co-regulate with dysregulated children
When and how to use movement, breath, and sensation tracking
How to deliver a complete six-week grief programme that integrates somatic work
This training is designed for teachers, care workers, youth workers, wellbeing practitioners, and anyone supporting bereaved children.
Find out more about becoming a Child Grief Coach
Additional resources
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Anxiety support for children and young people - grief and anxiety are closely connected
Final thoughts
Words are not the only language of grief.
For many children, the body speaks louder. The tight chest. The clenched fists. The stomach that hurts every morning before school. The legs that need to run and run and run.
When we meet children in their bodies rather than demanding they use words, we offer something powerful:
Permission to grieve in the way that feels natural to them.
Not every child will cry. Not every child will talk. But every child's body holds the story of their loss.
And when we help them listen to that story, when we give them tools to move what is stuck, when we stay present while they shake and stomp and tear and breathe, we offer something essential:
A way through.
Because grief does not need to be spoken to be real.
And healing does not require words to begin.
If you support bereaved children and want to deepen your somatic skills, our Child Grief Coach Training provides comprehensive teaching in body-based grief work. This accredited programme includes practical techniques, live demonstrations, and a complete six-week programme you can deliver in schools, care settings, or private practice.
